"The first family of Minnesota Blogging" - Mitch Berg, Shot in the Dark

Illuminating fun, faith,
family and foolishness.

“Peace, prosperity, liberty and morals
have an intimate connection.”

- Thomas Jefferson

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

My heart is in the Highlands
After an overnight in Carlisle we set out for Scotland on Saturday morning, crossing the border by following the A7 Historic Route to Edinburgh. Shortly thereafter we stopped at a wayside to read a plaque and let the girls skip stones across a fast-flowing stream. We wound our way toward Edinburgh, watching sheep dogs work their flocks into shape and admiring the scenery. We only gave the city itself a few glances as we crossed the Forth Road Bridge over the Firth of Forth because we were headed to St. Andrews and, ultimately, a bed in Inverness that night.

I’d been to St. Andrews before, on a cold blustery day 30 years ago and had virtually had the town to myself. I had walked the 17th and 18th holes of the Old Course and visited the ruins of the old town’s castle and original cathedral. I had stood on a cliff overlooking the North Sea has the waves pounded the rocks below and the wind chapped my face before I returned to my senses and realized I had been standing there for 40 minutes, hypnotized. This day, however, was a “soft” day, sunny, cool and, of course, windy. The occasional shower blew over us as we parked at the Old Course and walked up the 18th hole, and then turned toward the castle and the sea to retrace the steps I had made so long ago, this time able to show the sights to my children.

We left St. Andrews at 6 p.m. and made for Inverness, climbing and turning through the Highlands where the low clouds coddled the tops of the hills and the rain came more steadily. Finally we descended into the valley to Inverness, the sky still light at 9 p.m., making the greens of the hills and the grays of the town appear even richer in the gloaming.

Over the next couple of days we would visit Loch Ness (where one canny Scot, a bagpiper, had positioned himself in full regalia at one of the most scenic overlooks to play his pipes and pose for pictures - and accept tips), Urquhart Castle, and enjoy the rugged beauty of Inverness before venturing south again to Stirling Castle, built by another Stewart – James V, for his queen, Mary Guise. Nice place.





Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Land of the 10:45 sun
Our last night in Inverness the whole family went on a “haunted” ghost tour of the old part of the city. It was an interesting and often funny diversion and the tour concluded with the group at a pub for our promised free drink included in the package. It turned out that a couple of big names in Scottish folk music were going to be playing at the pub that night, and our host offered the group half-price cover charges if any wanted to stay for the performance. The Mall Diva and I decided to hang around, and it was a very good show.

It ended about 10:45 and we walked out into the streets; streets that still looked as if it were merely twilight and not nigh onto midnight. That’s part and parcel of being this far north, but it was still an unusual experience. Rather than heading directly back to our lodgings, I made the Diva come with me a short distance to where we could overlook the Caledonian Canal as it bisects the city.

It was a special sight. The water of the canal was inky black and glistening with a gelatinous texture, while the stone buildings flanking the canal were shades of gray with small bursts of yellow light from the lights by their doors. Overhead the sky was still a light gray behind almost black clouds, except for a smear of purple-blue behind the finger-nail sliver of moon.

It was evocative and more memorable in the same way that some black and white photos are more powerful than full color.
Driving in England
I thought driving in Italy would be the biggest challenge because of the reputation of Italian drivers and due to the language barrier, but in fact we picked it pretty well. We were greatly encouraged by the time we returned to England and picked up our rental car. Sure, there was that whole driving on the wrong side thingy but we figured we could get used to that quickly and, if we ever got lost, we could easily ask for directions.

The truth is, I hate driving in England, and it’s not because I still find myself walking to the wrong side of the car. In Italy, as I’ve already described, everything was wide open and you pursued your course without worrying too much about the other guy yet somehow it worked and everyone got where they were going; kind of like capitalism in a way. Driving in England is a perfect model for socialism where the goal is to make everyone equally miserable. There are more rules, more signs forbidding you from turning here or entering there, and everywhere there are signs noting that your speed and driving behavior are being recorded by police cameras. Much like the red-light cameras that have been tested in Minneapolis, “invisible” police may be taking your photo, noting your license plate and sending you a fine via the mail. It will be interesting to see if we’ve been tagged when we get home. Additionally, you are also informed that your license plate is being filmed when you buy gasoline, or “petrol.” The reason, it is explained, is to stop drive off thefts, but it makes you wonder about the whole “Big Brother” thing – cameras are watching you drive, watching you fill up – there is certainly a suggestive potential to this degree of monitoring that has to make you a little uneasy (of course, they can find out almost the same thing by tracking your credit card usage). To top it off, the nanny state mentality is further reinforced by signs regularly along the motorways urging drivers to take a break and rest so they can be fresh and avoid accidents. These were quaint the first couple of times I saw them, but they are everywhere and it long ago became annoying.

If they were really serious about avoiding accidents, then why don’t they get out there and cut the tree branches away from their roundabout signs? I can’t tell you how many times we’ve been trying to find a place, or trying to follow the arrows to be sure we get off on the right exit, only to have half the word of our destination covered up by foliage. Again, this happens all too often to be amusing. Is the brush-cutting union on strike?

The biggest frustration, however, is how long it takes to get anywhere. All of our trips so far have taken at least 50% longer than we expected looking at the mileage and the type of road we were going to be traveling on. The most bizarre example was a few days ago when we were trying to drive from the Cotswalds in the west to Carlisle, which is near the Scottish border. We had three lane motorway all the way, first the M5 and then the M6. The speed limit on the motorway is 70 mph, but this is largely theoretical. I have never been on a three lane highway before where you frequently come to a complete stop. And not just every now and then; repeatedly about every two miles we’d be forced to slow down for the “queues” as other roads fed into the motorway, backing things up to a standstill. Sheer torture, as the hours slip by and the miles don’t. And if you’re hungry or need gas or even just a toilet, good luck; you can’t expect to find these services at just about any highway exit ramp (especially exits for towns) like you can in the States. Your only chance for these things (and to have a reasonable chance of being able to get back on your original motorway) is to exit at a turn-off listed as having “Services.” Trouble is, because these are so few and far between, they’re always jammed with other motorists, queuing up for gas for the bathroom, for crisps and finally, maddeningly, to get back onto the motorway. I swear, the English would stand in line at an orgy.

So why are all these people on the road, anyway? Doesn’t England have a great public transportation system? How about all those trains? When I was here in ’79 I got around quite easily by train and it opened my eyes that maybe a pubic transportation system like this could be efficient. Now, however, the roads are crowded because no one can afford to take the trains, and no one has the time to trust the bus service. Some economists can probably give you a better explanation than I for the cost of the train service, but there’s no way we could have afforded to move my whole family around by train, even with the high prices for gasoline.

Finally, let me say this: the language “advantage” compared to driving in, say, Italy, is overrated. Just as we often found ourselves in sight of where we wanted to go but unable to get there because of the traffic signs and signals, we have also concluded that just because you know a language doesn’t mean you can understand it.
Bi-lingual
As we checked out of our lodgings at Fattoria il Lago, my new good friend Francesco and I were talking about the number of languages he has had to learn how to get by in while running an agriturism business, and of our common failure in each of us having once tried to learn to learn German in our lives. Francesco told me, “You should learn to speak Italian, John, it is the most beautiful of the languages.”

I told him, “Francesco, I can speak Italian,” and to demonstrate I started waving my hands and arms in the air. He laughed and said, “You do speak Italian!”

One of our guidebooks said that you can get by easily in Europe speaking only English because most of the people you encounter speak it at least somewhat and love the opportunity to practice. According to Francesco, however, this isn’t the case in Italy where the schools don’t promote languages other than the native tongue. He said in the big cities you can run into more Italians who speak English, and with people heavily involved in tourism. This has pretty much been my experience as we found few people in rural Dicomano and in other places who spoke English. Nevertheless, we were able to get along pretty well.

For one thing, we picked up new words quickly, and it is also a big advantage that Italian is based on Latin so that we could frequently figure things out by recognizing Latin roots for words and, applying a little context. There is some satisfaction in making yourself understood in another country; you feel very cosmopolitan and begin to think you can survive anywhere. Of course, drop me in the middle of Poland, where the only word I know is kielbasa, and it would be a different story.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Posting backlog
Internet access has been problematic, and time has been short. Everything seems to take much longer to accomplish than you expect (even adjusting for experience), especially when traveling as a family.

Oh well, lots to tell but no time right now as someone else is looking over my shoulder and wants to use this terminal in 7 minutes. I have more updates on our trips to the Cinque Terre, the Cotswalds, and most recently, bonny Scotland. We're in Inverness now, and heading south for Falkirk today. Hoping for better luck finding access for there is much to show and tell.

Nessie remains elusive, but we have lots of other photos and anecdotes of our travels, including taking a tour with a ghost last night and taking in an excellent Celtic music duo. More soon!

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Driving in Italy
We survived our week of renting a car and driving in Italy. Italian drivers don’t seem any worse than the ones I’ve encountered in Minnesota and they don’t drive any faster and crazier than the drivers I’ve experienced in and around Atlanta.

Italians do drive a bit more aggressively in that they’ll fit their cars into any space big enough to hold them, and since most of the cars are, in fact, about the size of a golf cart they can get these into some pretty small places. Give an Italian an inch and he’ll park in it. Show the slightest hesitation and you can expect three or four cars to jump in front of you. The funny thing is, this doesn’t bother me the way it would at home. If someone crowded me on Hennepin Avenue or Robert St. it would be downright rude and it might draw a rude response. Here that’s just the way everybody does it – and the weird thing is that there isn’t any road rage. Not only that, we saw just one accident (a minor one) in the time we were here. Maybe if your expectation is for others to follow proper driving etiquette at all times you are more apt to be offended when that expectation isn’t met. If the prevailing “etiquette” is that everyone is going to take (or make) the most direct path to their destination it somehow works out. In a way it’s kind of like walking in a crowd. When we’re walking we move diagonally, sidestep, shuffle and adjust course or “change lanes” often, scarcely giving a thought to those behind or even beside you. That’s how Italian driving works. I know it sounds counter-intuitive for an orderly system, but the thing is, it works. About the only rule is: don’t get in the way.



Yes, this is a real car. They're everywhere over here. So, which of the two in this picture is cuter?

Don’t clog the left lane on the autostrada, and if someone flashes his lights behind you, you move over (you definitely don’t flip him off or go even slower). The great thing is, this works in your favor as well when you need to get around someone.

A big advantage in driving in Italy is that they drive on the same side of the road as we do. The disadvantage is in not knowing the language. The road signs and other basics are pretty simple, but it is disconcerting when you see signs that have your destination on them, followed by a lot of other words that you don’t understand. I mean, it must be something important to know, or else they wouldn’t have put the sign up – but what does it mean?

Does it say, “Closed for resurfacing 12 kilometers ahead” or “No passing on Tuesdays” or, maybe, “You just think you’re on the A12”?

Oh well, Italy wasn’t nearly as scary as we thought it would be. Now it’s on to a car rental in England, where the language is at least the same (or close), but they drive on the other side of the road.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Photographic update
The Mall Diva hogged the laptop tonight so she could write her post and I’ve used a lot of my time to download, edit and format some photos from the past few days so that they’ll be more blog-friendly. I’ve got some more thoughts on Italy, the Cinque Terre and my impressions (not so favorable) of Florence and Pisa, but those will have to wait. We’re leaving Italy on the 24th to return to England and I’m hoping I’ll find internet access at the airport in Torino while we wait for our flight. I should have better internet access while in England and hope to post more regularly once we get there. In the meantime, here are some photos from the past few days.


More to come as soon as I can get reliable access to the Internet.
On Holiday!
Tuesday. Hello everyone! Today is our last day in Italy, and it is the only one that has been rainy. It’s been so warm and sunny I’ve even gotten a tan, which you will never see because tomorrow we’re leaving for Scotland, and then Ireland, where we won’t be in the sun much and my tan will promptly fade.

I’ve got some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that the sweater I brought along and a jacket of Tiger Lilly’s got jacked when we were in Firenze (Florence). I was extremely P.O.’d. (Someone left a back window on the car half open, and the extra clothing on the back shelf, and someone else came along and snatched them). The good news is that so far I’ve bought a shirt and two (count ‘em, two!) pairs of shoes. They are pretty sweet, yo, but they won’t keep me warm in Scotland, so I am sad.



Here I am bargaining with a street vendor in Florence. He wanted 40 euros for a plastic purse! I didn’t get ripped off here, but meanwhile someone was stealing my favorite sweater! (By the way, those are my new shoes in the big bag. Aren’t they cute?)

Yesterday and today we checked out the Cinque Terre (the Five Lands), which are actually just five little towns that are all connected along the coast. They are all super cute with windy roads and buildings pretty much leaning on each other and laundry hanging out of the windows to dry. All of the buildings were very neat and tidy considering how many - and how compacted - they were. Pink houses are really popular over here, and my mom says she wants one.



Some cool people hanging out in Riomaggiore, one of the five lands.



Some steps (and laundry) in Riomaggiore.



No high heels? What’s up with that? You can walk between the five lands, though some of it’s a tough hike. We just walked the easy, 30-minute part (the Via Dell’Amore) between Manorola and Riomaggiore.

Oh! My dad just reminded me! I have to tell you what I ate the other day in a ristorante just outside Barberino: a mussel. I kid you not. My dad will even tell you. It was small and wrinkly and orange. Its insides were brownish, though. My dad plopped it on my plate and said ‘here, try this; it’s good’. You have got to be kidding me. I looked at it, and the more I looked at it, the less I felt like putting it in my mouth. Finally, before I knew it, I had picked it up and shoved it in my mouth, much to my surprise. You know, it’s not really the taste of things that gets to me as much as the texture. The mussel was slimy, and not at all bouncy like calamari (which I like) is. It wasn’t a good slimy like Jell-o, either. It was more of a “what-the-heck-am-I-eating” slimy. It tasted like crab, though, which I also like. Try some today!

And then two days ago we were eating at another restaurant and ordered a dish of mixed roasted meats. My dad starts slicing some of the meat and holds out a chunk of something mysterious and asks me if I want it. It looks a little shady, but hey, when in Rome…or Dicomano, you know…

Anyway, I take a bite and start chewing. It’s all grainy, and I can’t think of what it tastes like. My dad has also taken a bite when my mom asks a fateful question: “Is that organ meat?”

I stop chewing and look fearfully at my father. He nods. I throw up. Just kidding! I only almost throw up. Instead I spit it out and scrape off my tongue. I’m never eating anything he gives me again, unless it’s gelato.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Under the Tuscan sun
Boun giorno from an Internet cafe in Firenza, or Florence as we know it. The past few days have been filled with adventure and sightseeing (and food stories, Good Name) but I haven't written much about food yet. Instead, below you will find thoughts from our time here. There should be four different posts within this one, each "hidden" after the title. Click on the title to reveal the text and photos for that section. "Hide" at the end of the section and go on to the next, or not, as you wish.













We will finally depart from Fattoria il Lago tomorrow, Monday morning. Our plan is to head for the famous "Cinque Terre", or "five lands" that cling to the cliffs overlooking the coast near Genova. We are to return to London on the 24th, but will be there only long enough to pick up a couple of new stamps on our passports and a rental car.

Today we'll soak up some more sun in Firenze (and we already have a story to tell about this).

Friday, May 19, 2006

Selling everything; moving to Tuscany
I have not had internet access since we left London, but that does not mean I have not written anything. My host, Francesco, has allowed me access to his computer to upload something I wrote yesterday, but my wife just drove off with the jump drive I had stored it on. I will get this up eventually; it is a dramatic story of unexpected challenges and blessings that somehow ended up with us driving a new Mercedes and staying in a three bedroom apartment - at the same prices as the compact car and two room apartment I had reserved.

Today we drove from Dicomano nearly to Forli just for the fun of it. Florence, Siena and Pisa are all nearby but the big city doesn't appeal to us as much as the Tuscan countryside. The road we took today was two-lane and very twisty and hilly, full of S-turns, W-turns, XYZ-turns, you name it. We saw some fabulous little towns and voluptous hills and the ruins of an old castle. More details and photos to follow when I have more time - and when my jump-drive isn't shopping in the piazza.

In the meantime, if anyone wants to make me an offer on a nice three-bedroom home with a large yard in a St. Paul, MN suburb, I'm interested. If you throw in an Italian phrase book I may even cut you a nice deal.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

London: Not all pigeons are unwelcome
Refreshed after a mostly solid night's sleep we returned to central London to pick up where we left off the day before. We passed through Trafalgar Square again on our way to Buckingham Palace. Upon entering the square this time my eyes were immediately drawn to a large bird sitting on a stand about four feet off of the ground in the center of the square. Too big to be a raven, definitely not a pigeon, could it be ... "God save the Queen, it's a hawk!" Noticing the jesses and bells on its legs I knew this bird wasn't a tourist on its way to catch the changing of the guard. Rather, it was the changing of a guard in it's own right. Just as I started to jest to my family, "I guess that keeps the pigeon population down" it hit me: it really does keep the pigeon population down. Looking around I quickly spotted the bird's trainer, and we went over for a chat.

The City of London does employ live falcons — in this case, a Harris Falcon — to keep the pigeons out of Trafalgar (nearer to Parliament they've electrified the statue of Winston Churchill to keep the birds off). While we were there the Harris was fed by his trainer and didn't actually have to swoop on any pigeons — mainly because there wasn't one in sight. For action, then, the trainer kept sending the Harris off and then sneaking himself behind the Mall Diva before silently signalling the bird to return. The result was the bird would fly directly at her head before lifting just enough to land on the trainer's glove. The fellow indicated it was because she had such a sweet smile. Or did he say, "shriek"? No, I'm pretty sure it was smile.

Of course, not all pigeons are unwelcome. We've been feeling especially plucked since our arrival and the fact that pounds seem to melt away by the second here; unfortunately this has nothing to do with reducing my robust frame. When I was here in '79 the exchange rae was about the same, but somehow things didn't seem that difficult to do on my student budget. Of course, I was paying for just one person then, but my alcohol consumption was much higher. Now it's ₤3 for this, ₤8 for that, and ₤20 or more for just about every attraction. You can basically double the figure to get the dollar conversion, so that a tuna salad sandwich (called a tuna-mayo sandwich) that seems reasonable at first at ₤3.50, suddenly becomes harder to swallow. We knew going in that London was going to be expensive and we'd have to bite the bullet if we were going to do much of anything (we're dropping $40 a day just on Tube passes). We're trying to be wise about things but the girls are already tired of seeing us scratch our heads and do the math everytime they want an ice cream. I don't blame them, because we came here to have fun and do different things. Fortunately, the burn rate for the rest of the trip should be slower (it better be!).

We could have saved some money on dinner tonight by eating at the local KFC or Pizza Hut which had some fairly low prices advertised on their windows — but we don't even eat at these places when we're in Minnesota, so we're not going to do it here. We ended up at an Indian restuarant (one of my wife's favorite cuisines) where we saw a number of dishes that we've never seen on the Indian menus in the Twin Cities — and a few extra levels of heat as well.

We decided against going inside Westminster Cathedral, but did opt for riding The London Eye (mainly because of Tiger Lilly's big, imploring eyes when faced with the chance to ride a 400 foot high ferris wheel). It was worth noting that at the end of the ride, or "flight", security guys entered each pod with long-handled mirrors and checked under the bench and in the overhead portions. As for the ride itself, the view was great but I don't know that I'd do it again. Something I did do again, however, was the Tower of London tour, lead by an actual Beefeater Guard. Tradition is important to the Brits, so it was no surprise to hear our guide repeat the same joke that was told by one of his predecessors in '79 while describing the gate next to the river where prisoners were brought into the Tower; it's called the Water Gate.

The Tower is still fascinating, even when you're just getting a small slice of it's bloody history. It was a dangerous life then for those who were kings (or queens), wanted to be kings (or queens) or were in the line of succession. On top of that, traitors were not suffered (though they were made to suffer). Today's political knife fighting and poisonings almost seem mild by comparison. And yes, we were asked to leave the Tower by one of the blue-suited Beefeaters. True it was closing time, but his request did come just after the Mall Diva recited her Monty Python bit (see her previous post). I didn't even get a chance to take her picture on the battlements!

Another attraction worth checking out is Kew Gardens. We spent nearly the entire day there today, and it is spectacular. We've visited and thoroughly enjoyed the New York Botanical Gardens and the one at Wave Hill outside of New York, but I think Kew is another level above that. The grounds are so invitingly laid out that you just want to plunge in and walk through everything — and the best part is that you can! This is a place that cries out for you to walk barefoot through the grass, and that's just what you can do (and what the Diva and Tiger Lilly did). Not to be missed if you're ever in the vicinity.

Tomorrow we wind up this leg of the trip. We're on our way to an apartment on a working olive farm and winery in Tuscany near Firenze. To commemorate the trip so far I've included some shots of the girls around London. If you want to see lots of pictures of historical things, buy some postcards. If you don't mind shots of my daughters near historical things, click on the highlighted text immediately below. Positioning your cursor over the photo will reveal a caption; in most cases clicking on the photo will enlarge it. The next time you hear from me I hope it will be from Tuscany!


First Impressions
So, we arrived on Sunday around 8:45 a.m. our time, 2:45 a.m. CST. After landing, we didn't rest, but went and saw some sights, like Trafalgar(tra-FAL-grr) Square. I was really too tired to enjoy anything very much except our dinner, which I am proud to say I didn't fall asleep in.

One thing that I have noticed is that everyone here has great jeans. They're the kind that actually fit; even for the guys, they don't sag halfway to their knees.

Have you ever felt like you're being watched? Well, for me, it's not just a feeling. People have been openly staring at us for some reason, and it bugs me. It's not like we look any different.

Anyway, I'm sure you all want to know why we were asked to leave the
Tower of London. It was because it was closing time. We were taking a tour of the tower, and at the end, walked through the Bloody Tower onto Raleigh's Way (which were also the battlements) and I stood on it and looked over and started reciting the lines of the French soldier in Monty Python's Holy Grail. "Don't come back or I will taunt you a second time! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!" Just about the time I got to " you silly Eenglish Knnnn-iggits!" the Yeoman Warder at the end of the battlement said "Alright, everyone time to leave!" I think he was offended.

And now for something completely different! Happy belated birthday to Uncle Benny! Here's your present — a birthday finger-wagging in front of Big Ben!



Here's something of interest for Kevvy-Wevvy, the oldest breech-loading guns in the Tower (can you see me in the picture?):

Monday, May 15, 2006

London: Second star to the right and straight on 'til morning
Eight hours of flying plus a six-hour jump into the future thanks to the time change brought the Reverend Mother, Mall Diva, Tiger Lilly and myself into Gatwick Airport early on Sunday morning. Not much to see from the airplane window but tarmac and other airplanes that could have been in any airport in the world. It certainly smelled like an airport. The captain said it was London, however, and since they already had our money it was best to believe him.

Getting off of the airplane I saw some funny spellings of familiar words, but it only took a few moments before we could make out that most British of institutions: "the Queue". It took us over an hour to make our way down a hall, around a corner and through a long series of turns as we criss-crossed a large room, channeled by black strips of fabric as we awaited our interview with the immigration officer. My carry-on sized wheely bag and one small shoulder tote — what I had thought constituted "traveling light" — soon made me feel like Marley's ghost. Finally we were in front of the person who would let us in or send us back. It was all very reminiscent of the Bridge of Death scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail: "Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see:"

"What are your names?"

"What is the purpose of your visit?"

"What is your favorite color?"

Aieee!

The flowers in St. James Park were a lot fresher than our little group.


Well, we all got in, but then we had to make two circuits around the baggage claim area because it had taken so long to get there that the videoscreens no longer showed at which carousel our baggage had been dropped. Then it was off to purchase train tickets to get into London, at a counter where the attendant's credit-card reading machine was balky. Finally, though, we were on our way in an overcrowded train car, our bags on and under our laps. Emerging from the station and a tunnel we finally saw this new land to which we had committed ourselves. Gray, a bit grimy, but the rowhouses and architecture were distinctly British.

Arriving at Victoria Station we quickly fortified ourselves with caffeine and started to make plans for the afternoon. Except for some brief intervals of semi-consciousness on the flight some of us had been up for 24 hours by that time but we resisted the urge to find the B&B where we had reservations and crash. We wanted to get on the local schedule so we planned to check our bags for the afternoon and do some sightseeing. Bag-checking, however, runs you 6 quid per bag, with the exchange rate nearly two dollars per pound. Now I know where the British expression, "Oi!" comes from. Another thing we noticed, as we clutched our now-empty paper coffee-cups: no trashcans, or dustbins as they're called here. At first I couldn't believe it, but after steadily surveying the perimeter of the station there was no doubt - and no dustbins. There also wasn't any trash laying around on the ground. Do people eat there trash here? What is the meaning of this mystery?

The answer was soon revealed when we got our first example of the security-consciousness of this country. I met up with a uniformed officer and asked where to find a couple of things, including a dustbin. "Oh, you'll not find any dustbins around here, I imagine," he said. "Security you know."

Ah, culture shift. The lightbulb finally went on in my head: dustbins are just too nifty a place for bad guys to leave bombs, and I'm sure it was a lesson hard-learned. We finally found a place to dispose of our cups and also decided to go to the B&B first thing after all to drop our bags rather than pay the ransom for leaving them. After that we managed a little sight-seeing in central London, including passing by the barracks and parade-ground of the Queens Life Guards. Believe me, no matter how tired you are, it gets your attention when someone wearing a shiny helmet and carrying a sabre steps out from a box and stamps his feet next to you. We also stopped in Trafalgar Square where we found a wonderful public restroom. While we paused there I remembered my previous trips to London back in 1979 when I had spent a semester at nearby Reading University. Then Trafalgar Square had been so full of pigeons that they looked like a moving carpet. Now there was nary a pigeon in sight. How, in a land that recently banned fox hunting, had they dealt with these creatures? This answer, too, would come, but not on this day.

After a few sights we felt as if we'd done all we could, and it was time for supper and, at long last, bed. Returning to the residential neighborhood where we have our room we saw a street lined with ethnic restaurants. Here on our first night in England, what would we have to eat? Fish and chips? Bangers and mash? Yorkshire pudding or Welsh rarebit? No, there was an Italian restaurant, run by a family of real Italians. We went in and the hostess walked us back to our table, the Mall Diva in front of our family. One of the pizza cooks, a young and virile man, noticed her and quickly straightened his shoulders, smiled ever-so-boldy and tried to make eye-contact. Mall Diva was totally unaware of his attention, but that's not to say it went unnoticed. Eye-contact he sought, and eye-contact he received, but from me. His smile went away, and with a Gallic shrug of his shoulders he went back to his pies. Oh yes, I can hardly wait until we get to Tuscany later this week. (The food was great, by the way).

Oh well, it had been a long day and we were literally and figuratively ready to crash. We fell into our beds; in my case 33 hours after I had left my own. Tomorrow we'd take on the city but with a little less grit in our eyes.

Next: More photos, fewer words, the fate of the pigeons, and why we were asked to leave the Tower of London. Or, maybe, something from the Mall Diva.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

A last look at home for awhile
In a few hours the whole family will be setting off on our European adventure. I plan to blog from the road as often as I can, and I've just tested my new digital camera to be sure I can download to the laptop and post to the site. Regular features such as the Challenging Word of the Week and Friday Fundamentals in Film will be on hiatus while we're gone.

I hope to report from London by Monday. In the meantime, here's a shot of the flowering crabapple tree behind our house. Hmmm, the weather looks as if we're already in England!

Friday, May 12, 2006

Best of: Merely a flesh wound

Despite all the problems of our healthcare system, as described yesterday, I still prefer it to the British system where the government decides when you've had enough healthcare and ought to just die. Since I'm leaving for England tomorrow, I hope I don't come down with a light case of persistent vegetative state in the next three weeks.

As was earlier reported:


21st CENTURY BRITISH HEALTHCARE
(Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Scene 2)
CART MASTER: Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER: Here's one.
CART MASTER: Ninepence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
CART MASTER: What?
CUSTOMER: Nothing. Here's your ninepence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!

Terminally Ill Can Be Starved to Death, UK Court Rules
By Nicola Brent, CNSNews.com Correspondent, August 02, 2005(CNSNews.com) - An appeal court has denied a terminally ill British man the assurance that his wish not to be starved to death once he becomes incapacitated will be respected to the end.

Former mailman Leslie Burke, 45, has a progressively degenerative disease that although leaving him fully conscious, will eventually rob him of the ability to swallow and communicate.

He petitioned the High Court last year to ensure that he would not be denied food and water once he was no longer able to articulate his wishes.

CART MASTER: 'Ere. He says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not!
CART MASTER: He isn't?
CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.
DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!
CUSTOMER: No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.

Burke won that right when judge James Munby ruled that if a patient was mentally competent — or if incapacitated, had made an advance request for treatment — then doctors were bound to provide artificial nutrition or hydration (ANH).

But last May, the General Medical Council (GMC) — the medical licensing authority — took the case to the Appeal Court, arguing that doctors had been placed "in an impossibly difficult position."

The appeal judges have now agreed, overturning the High Court judgment and upholding GMC guidelines on how to treat incapacitated patients.

CART MASTER: Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go on the cart!
CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby.
CART MASTER: I can't take him.
DEAD PERSON: I feel fine!

Those guidelines give doctors the final say in whether a patient should be given life-sustaining "treatment," a term legally defined to include artificial feeding or hydration.

The latest ruling obliges doctors to provide life-prolonging treatment if a terminally ill and mentally competent patient asks for it.

However, once a patient is no longer able to express his or her wishes or is mentally incapacitated, doctors can withdraw treatment, including ANH, if they consider it to be causing suffering or "overly burdensome."

Ultimately, the court said, a patient cannot demand treatment the doctor considers to be "adverse to the patient's clinical needs."

CUSTOMER: Well, do us a favour.
CART MASTER: I can't.
CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
CART MASTER: No, I've got to go to the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
CUSTOMER: Well, when's your next round?
CART MASTER: Thursday.
DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.

Anti-euthanasia campaigner and author Wesley Smith told Cybercast News Service it was important Burke had taken the case to court because "it is now clear that a patient who can communicate desires cannot have food and water withdrawn.

"That is a line in the sand that is helpful."

However, he added, the judgment had "cast aside" those who were mentally incompetent or unable to communicate their wishes — "those who bioethicists call non-persons because of incompetence or incommunicability.

"I believe that the judgment clearly implies that the lives of the competent are worth more than the lives of the incompetent since doctors can decide to end life-sustaining medical care, including ANH," said Smith, a senior fellow at the Discovery Institute and author of Culture of Death: The Assault on Medical Ethics in America.

Burke was quoted as saying in reaction to the ruling that it held "no good news at all" for people who shared his concerns.

In the light of public health service cuts and underfunding, Burke said he was worried about "the decisions that will have to be made" by doctors in the future.

"I have come to realize that there are quite a few people who feel the same way I do," the Yorkshire Post quoted him as saying. "Not everyone wants to be put down. Not everyone wants their life to be ended prematurely."

CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone, you know. (To the Cart Master:)Look. Isn't there something you can do?
DEAD PERSON: [singing] I feel happy. I feel happy.
[Cart Master hits him in the head.]

Responding to the court's ruling, the GMC said it should reassure patients.

The council's guidelines made it clear "that patients should never be discriminated against on the grounds of disability," said GMC President Prof. Graeme Catto in a statement.

"We have always said that causing patients to die from starvation and dehydration is absolutely unacceptable practice and unlawful."

A professor of palliative medicine at Cardiff University, Baroness Ilora Finlay, supported the court ruling. "Stopping futile interventions allows natural death to occur peacefully," she argued in a British daily newspaper. "This is not euthanasia by the back door."

But the Disability Rights Commission (DRC) took a different view.

The commission was one of several campaigners, including right-to-life activists and patients' groups, which had strongly supported Munby's earlier ruling.

DRC Chairman Bert Massie expressed the group's dismay at the Appeal Court decision, saying it did nothing to dispel the fears of many disabled people that "some doctors make negative, stereotypical assumptions about their quality of life."

It had also "totally ignored" the rights of those who were unable to express their wishes, he added.

CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
CART MASTER: Not at all. See you on Thursday.

The Night Writer's vote for the funniest line: "Ultimately, the court said, a patient cannot demand treatment the doctor considers to be 'adverse to the patient's clinical needs.'" You mean, such as, "Please don't starve me to death?"

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Best of: Going to the health store
Tuesday I was shuttling around the Garden State with the complimentary copy of USA Today from my hotel to fill the time between Oldwick and Hoboken. I was thinking something like, "Hmmm, news printed on paper - what a concept!" when I saw an article describing the challenges of trying to introduce competitive, market-driven shopping to our current health care system. I thought it was a particularly profound and insightful article, especially since I had covered the same thing here eight months ago:


Seen any coupons for cardiologists?

“Hello, this is ABC Cardiology. How may I help you?”

“Yeah, I'm looking to have a little work done, and I'm calling around to find out what it costs to see one of your doctors and have a couple of tests?”

“What kind of tests?”

"Oh, you know, EKG, stress test, enzyme test, whatever it is you folks do to figure out if something's wrong with the old ticker.”

“Um, I don't know what that costs. Let me transfer you.”

"Ok.”

"Hello, Coding Department.”

“Yeah, could you please tell me how much a visit with one of your cardiologists costs, and what kind of tests I might expect and how much they cost?”

“Well, I'm not sure I can tell you...”

“Look, it's like this. I'm thinking it might be a good idea to have someone take a look at me, but I have a high deductible health plan so that means I'm paying for most, if not all, of any visit out of my own pocket and I'm just calling around trying to get some prices for a comparison.”

“Well, let's see...a consultation is $334 to $432, depending on the amount of time spent.”

“Yow! Is there anyone in town who charges less?”

“No, that's pretty much the standard Usual, Customary and Reasonable cost accepted by the health plans.”

“So, uh, do you have any coupons or specials this week?”




Wednesday, May 10, 2006

I wish I could catch #715...

I wish I could catch Barry Bonds' 715th homerun ... so I could THROW IT BACK!

Monday, May 8, 2006

Best of: Good thing I have a permanent record

The countdown to leaving the country is winding down and things are being steadily crossed off my list. But first, I have to get out of New Jersey, where I'm currently on a business trip. Things can sure get complicated at times. It almost makes me wish for those simpler, carefree days of high school (right kids?).

Actually, life was plenty complicated for me back then, too. That said, I think things are even tougher for kids today — a point the following post examined last August:

A hard lesson

"This is the beginning of a much more in-depth education program, in which we tell our members why and what Wal-Mart does — not just to small towns, but to workers," said Louise Sundin, president of the Minneapolis Federation of Teachers. (Strib: Twin Cities teachers unions push Wal-Mart boycott)

Honest, Mom, I wasn't doing anything. I was sitting in my American History class and Ms. Wolverton was talking about the founding fathers, and when she got through telling us about the first president — Samuel Gompers of the American Federation of Labor, that is, so you know I was paying attention — she told us to take out our Diversity Journals and write about what it would feel like to be beat up by cops employed by fatcat capitalists and to not have health insurance besides.

So I was opening up my backpack when it slipped - honest! - and everything spilled out on the floor. Well, not everything, because I was able to catch my iPod, you know, and then the Wolf, I mean, Ms. Wolverton points at the floor next to me and says, really mean-like, "What's that?"

Well, I look down and I say, "Nothing Ms. Wolverton, that's just the condoms they gave us in third period today."

"No," she says, "What's that?"

Then I say, "You mean this flyer about what time Tuesday morning we're to catch the school bus to take us to the state capital to protest for higher education spending?"

"No!" she says, and now she's really mad. "That looks like one of the new Trapper Keepers that Wal-Mart is advertising in the newspaper! How dare you bring something like that to school?"

"Hey, it's not mine," I said. "Someone must have stuck that in there just to get me in trouble, probably during Conflict-Resolution class!" Really, Mom, that Billy Swedberg is sooo passive-aggressive.

So anyway, now Ms. Wolverton is all, "shopping at Wal-Mart is the first step to economic servitude, and how buying a Trapper Keeper seems innocent enough now but, like, the next thing you know I'll be listening to talk radio and voting Republican," you know? Then she says something like, "someday when you're working 70 hours a week for $1 you'll wish you'd paid more attention in class." Well, I didn't really know what to say to that, but she gave me the idea, so I said, "I'm sorry, my ADD is acting up - what was the question again?"

Well, that seemed to calm her down and I thought it was all going to blow over when she says, "I don't know what people are looking for when they go into a den of iniquity and social injustice like Wal-Mart."

OK, Mom, I knooow I should have kept my mouth shut, but I wasn't really thinking because I was still so nervous, so I said, "Good values?" And that's when she went ballistic and told me I knew I wasn't allowed to use that kind of language in school and that I had to go to the principal's office and they were going to call you to come and get me.

So, am I in trouble?
Challenging Word of the Week: mallecho

Mallecho
(MAL ih choh) noun

As the play within the play begins in Shakespeare's Hamlet (Act III, Scene 2) and the players act out the poisoning of the king and the wooing and winning of the queen by the poisoner, Ophelia enters and cries, "What means this, my lord?" and Hamlet answers, "Marry, this is miching mallecho; it means mischief. Thus Shakespeare himself supplies the definiition: mischief. Mallecho was derived from the Spanish noun malhecho (evil deed), base on the prefix mal-(evil) plus hecho (deed). Miching (MICH ing) is an adjective made of the present participle of the verb miche, meaning to "skulk" or "slink," thought to be a variant of mooch (British slang for "slouch about" or "skulk," differing from the American slang usage, to "scrounge," both, however, coming from the same source, Middle English michen, to skulk or hide)...

Thus, miching mallecho means "sneaky mischief." You may never run into this eloquent phrase in contemporary literature, unless you happen to read An Awkward Lie by the English whodunitist Michael Innes (b. 1906), where his detective Sir John Appleby, considering the mysterious disappearance of a corpse from a golf bunker, wonders about this "elaborate piece of miching malicho." Malicho is a variant of mallecho, or vice versa. Some authorities say that it is vice versa, mallecho, influenced by the Spanish, being a learned emendation of malicho, the form favored by Michael Innes.

My example: The blogosphere has made it much more difficult for a miching mallecho to go unnoticed.

Hmmm, the reference above to a corpse in a golf bunker being a miching mallecho reminds me of the upcoming Second Annual Millard Fillmore Memorial KAR Nation Open Championship Golf Outing Classic (sponsored by Buick and The Kool Aid Report), known as "The MilF." Miching? MilFing? Mischief, no doubt, will ensue.

From the book, “1000 Most Challenging Words” by Norman W. Schur, ©1987 by the Ballantine Reference Library, Random House. I post a weekly “Challenging Words” definition to call more attention to this delightful book and to promote interesting word usage in the blogosphere. I challenge other bloggers to work the current word into a post sometime in the coming week. If you manage to do so, please leave a comment or a link to where I can find it. Previous words in this series can be found under the appropriate Category heading in the right-hand sidebar.

Friday, May 5, 2006

Best of: Three things you should read if you hope to date my daughter
Regular readers know that my wife and I take a dim view of dating, which is a topic that's been addressed here several times. It's nothing personal we have against any young men in particular who are in the vicinity or who might even arrive on the scene, but a belief that there is a better way and a desire for our daughters to approach things in ways that will lead to greater happiness.

Of course, if a guy shows up without an appreciation for the things we hold dear (especially our daughters), well, it could get personal real quick. Our philosophy isn't all that complicated, but it does take some explaining, as illustrated by the medley of posts below.

While I haven't kept a hard count, the first "best of" post below is without a doubt the most read and linked to post I've ever had. A year after it appeared I still get half a dozen visitors a week who have Googled their way to it, many from as far away as the Philippines, South America and even Saudi Arabia.



For a more light-hearted look at the situation, check out the following application I discovered (but didn't write):



So how is this working? Well, despite my best efforts, a conspiracy was hatched and my oldest daughter ended up going to the Prom last spring. It's quite a story of passion, betrayal, boys — and me wielding a bloody butcher knife:




Finally, let it be known that Faith, aka The Mall Diva, and I went to a gun show at the State Fairgrounds a couple of weeks ago. It was amazing - a huge room full of thousands of guns and hundreds of people and NO ONE GOT KILLED! Hard to believe, but not a single gun leapt up off of the table and attacked someone. Anyway, the always fashion-conscious Diva found a special edition Taurus .22 caliber with pearlescent handgrips that matched her purse.



I know what you're thinking, punk. Did she really buy it? Well, considering everything else that's been written here, I guess you really ought to be asking yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?"

Thursday, May 4, 2006

New: I'm Number 1!

... on the Google search list for "pecksniffian jeremiad"!

See here and here.

Excuse the foofaraw, but Yay, Me!
New: Vigilance, eternal vigilance

We may not be able to defend our borders, but one California courthouse is on guard for Dr. Evil's Fembots:

Bra sets off metal detector in Calif.
Associated Press
YUBA CITY, Calif. - A taxpayer advocate has complained to Sutter County supervisors that metal detectors at county buildings are so sensitive they are being set off by underwire bras.

Sutter County Taxpayers Association member Roberta Fletcher said the male security guard seemed to enjoy waving the handheld metal detector over her chest.

"It is, at a minimum, for a woman, embarrassing. And at a maximum, it is sexual harassment to hold your arms outstretched while a male officer waves a wand in front of your breasts," Fletcher told supervisors at their meeting Tuesday.

Sheriff Jim Denney said courthouse guards work for the court system, not the sheriff's department, but defended use of the metal detectors.

"That's the nature of the business - to maintain security," Denney told Fletcher. "I'm not going to answer any more absurd questions."

Fletcher also had little sympathy from board Chairman Larry Munger and other supervisors.

"I don't think it's harassment; it's protection," Munger said.

"Men just don't get it," Fletcher told the supervisors.

Wednesday, May 3, 2006

New: Vikings sack latest scrambler named Fran

Much abuse is being heaped on the Vikings today for firing their just-hired VP of Player Personnel, Fran Foley, citing it as another example of an apparently clueless organization stumbling its way through a purple haze. Rumors are that the dismissal is due to Foley's a) lying on his resume, b) his abrasive personality, c) his perceived failures (including wearing that ugly sweater) at the just-completed draft, or d) any and all of the above.

Personally, it was a decision I was hoping to see and I'm pleasantly surprised at the timing.

A little more than a week ago when Foley and the team had to announce not once, but twice, that there were discrepancies and clerical errors in his resume I rolled my eyes (my daughter showed me how). I thought then that if owner Zygi Wilf really meant it about running a first-class operation he'd fire Fran's (it that's his real name) butt, regardless of the short-term embarrassment it would cause. My next thought was that it wouldn't happen because it was too close to the draft. The team wouldn't want to create an extra level of chaos, and after the draft was over the issue would have dropped from consciousness (it was surprising how little was being made of the story) and the team and Foley would just continue on. In my mind, though, if that happened they could never be taken seriously when trying to hold up a higher standard of behavior for the players.

Maybe the dismissal was more about b, c and/or d above or something else we don't know about, but as for me I'm encouraged that maybe, just maybe, Wilf means what he says about creating a high-character organization and is willing to take the short-term hit for the long-term benefit. Perhaps the off-season moves and kiss-offs to certain coaches and players do have more to them than just on-field performance issues. It will be an interesting to see if a these few reference points turn into an indentifiable trend in coming years.

One last point: whether Foley was hard to get along with was no concern of mine because it wasn't my problem. I simply didn't like his fabrications on his resume in the first place, or his later rationalizations and obfuscations. I definitely laughed at his sweater. As for the quality of the draft I have no opinion because it's ridiculous at this stage to have one. We simply don't know how good or bad it was until the players get onto the field (or not) in the next few seasons.

Everyone treats Mel Kiper's opinions on players as if they were gospel, yet no one ever holds him accountable for his projections afterward. He'll get paid just as much, or more, next year regardless of how guys turn out. On the other hand, the team executives who do the scouting, evaluating and selecting are putting their reputations and their jobs on the line. Of course they're going to say they're happy with their picks but I don't think they're any more self-serving than Kiper when they do, and I'm far more likely to trust their evaluations because they know that no amount of hair-gel will save them if they're wrong.

Tuesday, May 2, 2006

Best of: Dad to the Bone

My daughters are an important part of this blog, not only as sources of inspiration but also as writing sources themselves (check out the Mall Diva and Tiger Lilly categories on the right). They've changed a lot since the time the photo described below was taken, and even since I wrote this essay.

A lot of things are still the same, though.


Dad to the Bone
Every parent either knows - or feels - by heart the words to the "Sunrise, Sunset" song in "Fiddler on the Roof":

Is this the little girl I carried,
is this the little boy at play?

When I hear this the memory that flashes in my mind is not that of carrying either of my two daughters up to bed, or of piggyback rides. Instead I think of a family photo a few years ago. In it my girls - then about 10 and 5 - and I have been wrestling. I am standing and in each hand I've got an ankle of one of the girls and I'm holding them both upside down and off the ground, not unlike a proud poulterer holding up a couple of prizewinners at the State Fair. Imagining the picture now I can still hear the shrieks and giggles.

At this point in their lives - and for this moment now permanently frozen on film - I am Dad the Undefeated and, in their eyes, larger than life. Meanwhile, in the moments that I write this, the next line from that song is passing through my mind: "I don't remember getting older, when did they?" If asked to reenact the scene today my response would have to be, "One at a time."

As I flip through my mental photo album the girls seem to grow suddenly in a series of jerks and jumps. Of course I know they are really changing everyday, judging by the continuous trips to the shoe store and cries of, "But I just bought you those pants!" I also can't help noticing in this album that as they are getting bigger, I seem to be getting - perhaps ever-so-slightly - smaller.

Once when my oldest was very little and concerned that we might be imminently attacked by bears in our own front yard, she was greatly comforted when I assured her that if any bears came near her I'd grab them and twist their noses. Today the same promise still stands regarding boys, not bears, but it's clear that my powers are coming more into perspective. While there are times when it may seem, in my daughters' eyes, that I can still rise up and blot out the sun, I cannot stop it from moving across the sky. I am shade, however, standing between them and the heat of the world. I will continue to do so as long as I can stand.

Of course, brute force has always been of limited application. To be a proper protector my defenses have had to be - and must remain - more subtle. Jesus once told his disciples that it was better for them that he go away. His meaning was that his power both in their lives and in the world would ultimately be much greater by his living in them rather than with them. I don't construe this to mean my girls are better off without me, but rather that I must devote my time with them to preparing them to live on fruitfully, just as Jesus did in his three years with the disciples. The time together already seems all too short.

When they were little, their well-being depended on instant obedience to my authority and that of their mother. It was not expected or accepted of them to ponder whether or not we meant what we said or whether our instructions supported their personhood or hurt their self-esteem. "No," "stop" and "don't" could keep them from a boiling pot, a busy street or a strange dog. As they get older they are still at risk from natural forces, careless strangers and unpredictable human animals interested only in their own gratification. "No," "stop" and "don't" might still have an effect, but it's better to teach them the underlying reasons and standards for moral conduct so they can also work out the "Yeses," "do's" and "go-for-its." In that way my influence can carry on a lot further than my authority will ever be able to.

For my influence to be effective, however, I have to keep learning and examining myself both for my own benefit as well as theirs. Like it or not, my life will be a standard that my daughters will use to judge men on in the future and I want to set the bar pretty high with no apologies to the young fellas coming along. Perfect or not, it is mine to carry. On one level my girls may see me as "Dad of Dads, Keeper of the Remote and King of Rude Noises," but they should also know at a deeper level that I have laid and will lay down my life for them. As they grow older I hope that they will not settle for any man who will not do the same, even though the kind interested only in the "lay down" part may be all too common.

If you have daughters I think you know what I mean, and I hope you, too, are preparing yourself and them to live by your influence and that of Jesus while submitting to the authority of God. If you have sons, I pray that you are preparing them to a similar standard and helping them grow into their own responsibilities.

And if you have sons that may be hanging around my daughters, you might want to warn them about that nose thing.
New: 10 to remember

Lists can be hard things to keep straight; the names of the seven dwarfs, each of the 12 days of Christmas (or all the 12 steps), eight wonders of the world without a catchy rhyme or jingle (I bet you can rattle off the seven ingredients of a Big Mac).

Here's a handy rhyme in the public domain that appeared over the weekedn in The Writer's Almanac:

The Ten Commandments

I. -Have thou no other gods but me,
II. -And to no image bow thy knee.
III. -Take not the name of God in vain:
IV. -The sabbath day do not profane.
V. -Honour thy father and mother too;
VI. -And see that thou no murder do.
VII. -Abstain from words and deeds unclean;
VIII. -Nor steal, though thou art poor and mean.
IX. -Bear not false witness, shun that blot;
X. -What is thy neighbor's covet not.

-These laws, O Lord, write in my heart, that I,
-May in thy faithful service live and die.


Monday, May 1, 2006

Best of: Night Writer, the early nights

I have an intense schedule the next 13 days, leading up to me "live-blogging" our European vacation. It's going to be tough to post regularly before the trip, but I really appreciate the readers of this blog and the readership growth it has experienced (pretty meager by most standards, but still higher than I expected). I feel an obligation to try and have something interesting here for anyone who visits or just stumbles in, so while my nights and lunch-hours are being used for pressing, non-blogging things I'm offering a retrospective of some of my favorite posts from the past 15 months, especially early on. Granted, that might stretch the definition of "interesting" but if you've liked what you've seen here the past few months, perhaps you'll like some of the older things as well.

Naturally, some of my first posts were about why I started blogging. Below is my first ever post comparing blogging and CB radio, followed by an excerpt from another post explaining why so many Minnesota bloggers are conservative.


10-4, good buddies — I mean, bloggers
I was in high school when the Citizens Band (CB) radio craze was at its peak. In the rural part of the country where I lived, it seemed as if everyone, including all my friends I rode with, had a CB radio except me.

For those too young to remember, folks would install CBs in their cars and drive around talking to their friends or anyone who happened to be listening in. Ostensibly (a word seldom used by CBers) drivers were on the lookout for "Smokies" (as in Smokey the Bear), which was code for the Highway Patrol - the sworn enemy of drivers and CB enthusiasts who liked to exceed the new 55 mph speed limit. Since sharing the location of Smokies was borderline illegal, and speeding definitely so, most radio users also came up with clever radio names, or "handles" for themselves to mask their true identities - or to project a certain image. An entire jargon of code words and numbers developed to further identify membership in the subculture.

In reality, though, folks just liked to talk and to feel like a part of a community - especially one that had a kind of renegade populist sensibility - and to revel in the semi-anonymity their radios gave them. Some spouted their colorful (in their minds, anyway) philosophies, others talked about the mundane, and some, well, were just adding to the noise.

Not to stretch things too far, but I see a lot of similarities between blogs and CB radios. Growing popularity, community, clever aliases, a unique jargon (MSM, trackbacks, pings, trolls, memes and much more) - and, regardless of political philosophy, that delicious sense of rebellion. I never did get a CB radio, but now I've got a blog - and my own chance to add to the noise.

Roger that.


Top 11 Reasons Why Conservative Minnesotans Blog

  1. Plagues. Minnesota is plagued by mosquitos and liberals. While slapping a mosquito brings some satisfaction, slapping a liberal gets you sent to Anger Management. Therefore we blog.


  2. The need for an outlet. The StarTribune and Pioneer Press only publish one of our letters to the editor for every 8 or 10 from the left.


  3. Familiarity breeds contempt. No one knows better that socialism doesn't work than someone who has experienced it up close.


  4. Perspective. Transplants such as myself know that Republicans in Minnesota sound like Democrats in at least 46 other states.


  5. A target-rich environment. If you can't find an example of mushy thinking or stubborn wrong-headedness every day, your body may have assumed room temperature (if it has, don't worry, you can still vote in Washington State).


  6. Size of Audience. Each year you can be fairly certain that at least 50% of Minnesota high school graduates are able to read.


  7. Frustration. "Conservative" leaders here are often as elusive as our walleye - and put up about as much fight.


  8. Hope. Hubert Humphrey ran the Communists out of the Democratic Party here once; maybe it can happen again.


  9. Wildlife management. We love the sound of a loon calling across the lake, but not from the editorial offices of the Strib.


  10. Because ice fishing isn't as exciting as you might think.


  11. Because it's not Nice.




A Challenging Word of the Week Bonus!
With my pending semi-seclusion (see previous post), I'll hope to tide you over linguistically with not just one, but two Challenging Words of the Week. I'm up to the "Ls" in my book (for those paying attention, there simply wasn't much of note to choose from in the "Ks"), and here are two words that might liven up your political discourse:

Lamia
(LAY mee uh)noun

The lamiae, in classical mythology, were a race of monsters with female heads and breasts and the bodies of serpents, who enticed young people and little children in order to devour them. The story went that the original lamia was a Queen of Libya with whom Jupiter fell in love. Juno became furiously jealous and stole the children of the queen, who went mad and vowed vengeance on all children. Lamia became a term for any vampire or she-demon. The literal meaning of lamia in Greek is "female man-eater." In medieval times, witches were sometimes called lamiae. The English poet John Keats (1795-1821) wrote a poem entitled Lamia a short time before his untimely death. In it, a bride, recognized as a lamia by the philosopher Apollonius of Tyana (born shortly before the birth of Christ), vanishes instantaneously. Keats based his theme on an incident related in The Anatomy of Melancholy of the English churchman and writer Robert Burton (1577-1640), who took it from The Life of Apollonius by the Greek philosopher Flavius Philostratus (born c. 170). The enticement or devouring of the young has long been a theme in legend, all the way from the Minotaur of Crete to the Pied Piper of Hamelin. There were no Missing Persons Bureaus in those days to trace the Hamelin kiddies.

My example: There appears to be no shortage of women in both the conservative and liberal ranks who arouse strong feelings amongst their opposition. The next time you want to lambaste a child-devouring she-devil don't reach for the b-word like some 'Kos-kid imitating their Greek; go with the Greek and call her a lamia.

Lapidate
(LAP ih date) verb

To lapidate is to stone to death, an old Biblical penalty first suggested by the Lord to Moses, as set forth in Leviticus, for various crimes including adultery, incest, homosexuality, and other such naughty practices, and latterly instituted by the Ayatollah Khomeini of Iran for similar offenses. Jesus was gentler: "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." (John 8:7.) Whatever one's views may be on the question of capital punishment, lapidation (lap ih DAY shun) is beyond the pale; and never, never associate it with those honest gem cutters and stone engravers discussed under lapidary, even though it comes from the same source, lapid-, the stem of the Latin noun lapis (stone). Further, lapidate has nothing to do with dilapidate or its more familiar form, dilapidated, which comes from Latin dilapidatus, past participle of dilapidare (to demolish), based on the prefix di- (asunder; variant of dis- before certain consonants) plus the same old lapid-. From "dismantled, stone by stone," dilapidated has come to mean "fallen into decay," through neglect or abuse, and can apply to things having no connection with stones, from wooden houses to clothing in rags to moldy furniture and books, to say nothing of ravaged bodies.

My example:Despite the Old Testament and Ayatollah references above, lapidation today appears to be largely a Liberal activity. Or maybe it's desired by both sides, but Liberals are just so much better at it, as anyone who has observed the lapses and subsequent, yet opposite, reprisals suffered by Lawrence Summers and Ward Churchill. The lesson: watch your step around the lamia in academia.