"The first family of Minnesota Blogging" - Mitch Berg, Shot in the Dark

Illuminating fun, faith,
family and foolishness.

“It is the duty of every citizen according to his
best capacities to give validity to his
convictions in political affairs.”

- Albert Einstein

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Linkship on friendship, courtship and engagement
I've seen a lot of questions about the difference between courting and dating since Faith and Ben made their courtship announcement a few weeks ago - and I'm just one of the parents. I know the two of them have tried to explain it to others, and it's a challenge to do so. Part of the problem is that the concept that should be familiar to people has become hard to define. There is commonality between dating and courtship, but the distinctions are, well, distinct. Part of the challenge for Faith and Ben, and myself, is that while we know what the concept is and have seen it lived out in others, we're still new to actually living it ourselves (I include myself here because the parents do play an important role).

Scanning through the Google-searches that have brought people to this blog, however, I came across some very helpful links from people who have followed this path. Among the most charming is a series of posts by Alex and Carmen where they described their relationship through three stages leading up to their marriage in 2003:

Friendship

Courtship

Engagement

In addition, I discovered a very clear Q & A post on the subject that does a great job in outlining the diffences here at Vidaville.

Check them out if you're so inclined. I know I'll be looking at them often.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Kevin, man the harpoons!
Def con 4. From intelligence resource, codenamed King David:

SOUTH ST. PAUL, Minn. — A cow ran loose on Interstate 494 in St. Paul Friday morning. Traffic cameras picked up the cow at 494 and Concord Street around 9:00 a.m. Friday.

When captured later, the cow appeared to be suffering from amnesia—she kept referring to ‘Operation Tiger Lilly,’ and continually repeated that the Tiger was going to be taken down.

Special K: Execute defense plan Delta Tango. No survivors, but remains may be suitably aged and delivered to the bunker's chef.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

The difference between men and women: #436
Saturday the Mall Diva released Ben from her clutches so he and I could do some male bonding while watching the Packers play-off game. We were watching the game in the basement (where the snowy field and green and gold uniforms were beautiful in HD) when Ryan Grant broke off a long run toward the Seahawks' goal-line.

Packer-fan Ben leapt off his couch in such great excitement that he struck his head on the low ceiling, dealing himself a near-stunning blow.

Upstairs the Diva and her mother heard the startling and devastating crack and wondered out loud and with some concern if something catastrophic had happened. They listened intently for what might come next.

"Must not be anything too bad," Mall Diva said. "Dad's laughing his butt off."

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Music and passion at the X
Disclosure time: my wife is a big Barry Manilow fan. I didn't know this about her before we were married. She knows that hers is a love that dare not speak its name since, despite the giga-bazillion records he has sold, the Manilow brand is anathema to many.

One time we went to a work-related Christmas party that featured a white elephant gift exchange; one of those things where, as a gag, people give away stuff in their possession that they don't want. In the luck of the draw, my wife received a Barry Manilow double-album and was thrilled, to the dismay of my co-workers. My wife no longer attends work-related Christmas parties with me.

I also used to have one of those CD-buying club memberships; you know the ones that just about require surgery to get removed from you. Despite what my membership in the club says about my judgment, I wouldn't let my wife order a Barry Manilow CD from the club. "The government keeps track of those records and, as the membership is in my name, I don't want that in my permanent record."

Nevertheless, my wife has fond memories of the two Barry Manilow concerts she's attended.

Actually, make that three.

Thursday one of my co-workers who does a lot of work with the United Way received four comp tickets from the organization to Friday night's Manilow concert. He either couldn't or wouldn't use them himself so he sent an email around the office that these were available. Now, I could have ignored it and my wife would have been none the wiser, but I knew how much she liked Barry Manilow and what it meant to her, and could mean to me, if I could get those tickets. I called. Amazingly, they were still available. I called my wife. When she answered the phone I crooned, "I write the songs that make the whole world sing..."

"What?" she said.

"Well, do you know who writes the songs?"

"Of course."

"Do you know he's in concert tomorrow night at the Xcel?"

"No."

"Do you know who has tickets to the concert?"

"Nooooo..."

"We do."

*Unintelligible shrieking.*


Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Come to the table
Interesting article in the Strib yesterday about a U of M study that found that adolescent girls who eat more meals with their family are less likely to develop bad eating habits:

The survey of 2,000 Minnesota adolescents found that girls who have five or more meals a week with their families are one-third less likely to develop unhealthy eating habits. That could be anything from skipping meals to abusing diet pills to anorexia.

For reasons experts say are hard to explain, the same is not true of boys. The study by University of Minnesota researchers was published Monday in the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine.

It is the latest in a growing body of evidence showing regular family meals seem to help adolescents avoid a wide variety of health risks, including obesity, drug use, smoking and suicidal thinking. Earlier U of M research has shown that's also true for adolescents who say they don't have the best relationships with their families, but who still eat with them regularly.

Our family eats supper together at least five or six times a week. I'm also the proud father of two slender daughters. Of course, they'll tell you the reason they are slender is because I keep eating their tater tots. Oh well, they'll thank me for it some day.

Having dinner together just seems normal to us. We've never had to make a point of doing it, it's just something we've always done. Maybe we've been lucky in that, while our lives are pretty busy, our activities don't tend to violate the dinner hour — or maybe we've just chosen not to take up activities that take us away from the dinner table. My girls haven't had the number of athletic pursuits that I had when I was living with my parents, which helps, but on the evenings when Tiger Lilly has Tae Kwan Do lessons we eat a little later, and on nights when the Mall Diva has band practice or some rehearsal we eat a little earlier.

A lot of the credit goes to my wife, who is super-organized and a good cook who likes a lot of variety and using fresh ingredients instead of processed foods. She typically goes through her recipes and selects meals for a week in advance and constructs her grocery shopping list accordingly. Her job allows her to get home around 4 p.m. and she's very efficient in putting the evening's pre-planned fare together. She's someone who prides herself on being able to eat just about anything (except beef stroganoff), but the rest of us all have certain lines we won't cross, which is a cross my wife must bear. We greatly appreciate her diligence, skill and creativity, however, and we've learned that if any of us does have a complaint we try to keep it small.

Once, for example, in the infamous "Not Quite Tuna Tapenade" incident, my wife tried out a new recipe — the afore-mentioned tuna dish. We said grace and then the girls and I all took our first bite while my wife busied herself with her napkin or some such. It was...different. The three of us kind of rolled the food around our mouths meditatively as my wife lifted her fork. She chewed. She blanched. "This is horrible!" she said. "Who wants to order pizza?" And there was much rejoicing.

Besides the good food, it's just plain fun to be together. My wife and I never were much for baby-talk with our kids so conversation has always been pretty natural and free-flowing, which may have contributed to the composure the girls have had, even from a young age, when talking to adults. Sometimes we have deep conversations, but most of the time it can get rather silly, especially since both girls have a knack for picking up whole blocks of dialog from movies or TV shows with one hearing, and a love for dropping these references or snippets into the conversation. For example:

I'll say, "Pass the meatballs."

Immediately the Mall Diva and Tiger Lilly will, in unison, burst out with "Meatball, meatball, spaghetti underneath! Ravioli, ravioli, Great Barrier Reef!" from some SpongeBob episode. Technically there's also no singing at the table but getting through a meal with out an inspired chorus or two from them is kind of like dinner without dessert.

While the whole experience is rather routine to us we know, from the sometimes amazed reactions and comments we get from guests, that we have an unusual and blessed lifestyle. So many families are caught in the whirl of so many activities and so little time, and of lonely, fast-food dinners. As the study in the article suggests, though, frequent and regular meals together as a family has a measurable and beneficial effect. Some of the guests I mentioned earlier in this paragraph stayed with us because they were experiencing some crisis in their lives or in their families and our communal, convivial approach was startlingly foreign to them. Even more people have commented about a sense of peace they feel when they visit. I wonder if it's just coincidence?

Update:

Here's another study with similar findings: Family Dinner and Adolescent Overweight, from the North American Association for the Study of Obesity.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Of friendship, and courtship
There have been some questions, since Ben and Faith (the Mall Diva) announced their courtship last week, as to what courtship is, and — if they've agreed to be married — how come they don't just say they are engaged? Actually, what they've agreed to is to look at the possibility of being married. Over the course of their courtship they should both come to know whether the possibility can be a reality. I want and expect both of them to post more about courtship and their experiences going forward, and I won't dig into what can be a complex topic here and now. I think this will be a more useful discussion if it comes from their perspective.

What I would like to do, however, is describe the process of friendship, wherein they both came to the place where courtship became a possibility.

As described last week, it was a little over a year ago when Ben expressed his hope and intention to one day be in a position to marry my daughter. At that time they had already known each other socially for about a year. They were not, however, at a level where a courtship could begin, which essentially was what Ben was asking for permission to do. Given the difference in their ages and circumstances, Faith's mother and I thought it best that they learn to be friends first - — to find out if they could realistically and truthfully put the other person's best interests ahead of their own. This model of friendship is found in the Bible, and was the basis of a post I first offered here back in 2005 (when maybe 20 people a day were stopping by). I'll repeat it below, with minor editing (many of the links originally included have since fallen away). At the time, though we had witnessed it in other people's lives, it was still mostly theory for us. We have now seen it take hold in "real life", to the point where we could see the evidence in their lives and give our blessing for the courtship stage to begin.


On being a friend

...This got me to thinking, however, about the far less titillating but every bit as devastating romantic tragedies that happen all around us. Even, dare I say, in our own lives. My wife and I have been very blessed and happy in our 17-year marriage, but we both experienced emotion-searing, even mind-altering damage in our single days (stories for another day, but don't count on it).

As we look to what may be ahead for our daughters, we've come to realize that the dating culture of serial monogamy and mini-divorces is not a good way to find a mate for life. And that's based on our experiences from 20 and 30 years ago in the more idealistic days of the sexual revolution. With our oldest being of "dating" age, my wife and I naturally want better for our daughters than what we subjected ourselves to when we were their age.

Back then, at least, the culture expected couples to adopt the appearance of having a relationship. Now even the minimal commitment to someone else needed to simply make a date is optional in today's hook-up culture among teens and older singles. Somewhere along the line "Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am" went from being the height of selfishness to the point where merely throwing in the "thank you" passes for gentlemanliness. The glorification of sensation has ironically desensitized a significant part of a generation, and I can't even picture how much "enlightenment" is required to make this look like a good thing.

Even in evangelical circles the challenges are severe for parents with an eye to preparing their youth for healthy, happy marriages. The book "Best Friends for Life" by Michael and Judy Phillips includes several case studies of kids who grew up in "churched" families and dated other "churched" youth and eventually married - and then crashed and burned. Though each example had different characteristics, the common thing I saw in each was the parents really had no vision of what they wanted for their kids or what was acceptable - or if they did, they didn't communicate it. In many cases they gave in to the predominant dating model and were simply glad that their son or daughter was dating another Christian. As a result, the youngsters also fell into self-centered relationships in which they may have been physical, but they were far from intimate.

Is there another option? Well, I admit that the locking them in a tower until they're 30 plan has its strong points, but that doesn't do anything to prepare them for a strong marriage either. Our plan is the opposite of isolation, both the isolation of the tower where they are separated from others and the passion-induced isolation of being a couple where they separate themselves from others. We've encouraged our daughters to have a group of friends they can count on and do things with as a group. Boys can be a part of this group, and are even encouraged, but no pairing up. The idea is to determine who can be trusted to be a friend - and not who just wants to get friendly.

What are the standards for friendship? The Bible lists some good ones (New Living Translation):

  • Friends are few (Prov. 18:24) - "There are 'friends' who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother." We know the traditional concept of what a brother is, but think about what a brother is to a woman. A brother is someone who will stand by you and stand up for you because he wants the best for you, not because of what you can do for him.


  • A friend lays down his life (John 15:13)"And here is how to measure it--the greatest love is shown when people lay down their lives for their friends." A friend puts your needs and well-being above his own.


  • A friend loves unconditionally (Prov. 17:17) "A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need."


  • A friend speaks the truth in love (Prov. 27:6)
    "Wounds from a friend are better than many kisses from an enemy." A friend will tell you what you need to hear, again because he wants what is best for you. Someone caught up in infatuation or what he thinks is love will keep quiet so as not to jeopardize the physical aspects of the relationship.


  • A friend encourages you and is sensitive to your needs (Prov. 26:18, 19) "Just as damaging as a mad man shooting a lethal weapon is someone who lies to a friend and then says, 'I was only joking.'"


If true friendships can be established in a safe environment where the emotional stakes are not as high, then the ground is prepared for a possible courtship with an eye toward marriage. In a true courtship, both partners learn to trust the other with more and more of their innermost thoughts, wishes and emotions. This relationship is the key to a successful marriage. Most modern marriages fall short of genuine intimacy due to a distorted cultural image of romanticism that expects immediate intimacy. Too many want to jump right to the courtship stage simply because the other person is cute or a "hottie." This might make for lovely wedding photos (or great tabloid covers) but is not much of a foundation for a lovely marriage.

I may appear pretty smug and overconfident seeing as how our oldest is just entering this dynamic time, but the rules and expectations have been set down and discussed for several years prior to this, and we do have wonderful examples in the lives of other parents and young marrieds we know who have crossed these waters ahead of us.

Truthfully, I don't expect it to be easy, but right now the relationship my wife and I have with our children is still the most important in their lives aside from the relationship they are developing with God. And part of our responsibility in this relationship is to prepare them for a relationship with God and for a loving and godly relationship with their spouse - and ultimately their own children who they, in turn, must train. It won't be the easiest course, but given what else is out there, I know it is the safest.

There's no questioning the depth of feeling between Faith and Ben and the sincerity of their intentions. They will, however, face significant issues in the time that is before them. Difficult, even painful, decisions, must be made. Because of the foundation that has already been created, however, they are better prepared to shine.