“Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.”

- Damon Runyon

Mitch mentioned today that Captain Ed has been learning to speak Gaelic. I'd like to try that sometime as well. It would be handy if I ever do move to Scotland. Besides that, it would give me new and interesting ways to curse Nick Coleman, perhaps even in a way he'd understand.

Of course, if all you're interested in is cursing, the Internet was invented just for you. Go to The Curse Engine (An tInneal Mallachtaí) to find a handy tool that lets you create your own colorful curses in Gaelic, complete with a Gaelic/English translation and a handy pronunciation guide. You choose an option from three different columns, click on the "Mallacht" button, and then "Lay on, MacDuff."

For example:

Gaelic: Go dtachta na péisteoga do thóin bheagmhaitheasach. (guh DAHKH-tuh nuh PAYSH-choh-guh duh HOH-ihn VYUG-wah-huh-suhkh.)
English: May the worms choke your worthless butt.

Gaelic: Go stróice cúnna ifrinn do chuid fo-éadaigh. (guh STROH-kyuh KOO-nuh IHF-rin duh khwihj FO-AY-dee).
English: May the hounds of Hell tear your underwear.

Gaelic: Go gcreime na gráinneoga cealgrúnacha do dhiosca crua.(guh GREH-muh nuh GRAWN-yoh-guh KYA-luhg-roo-nuh-khuh duh)
English: May the malevolent hedgehogs gnaw at your hard disk.

Gaelic: Go salaí an Cat Mara do chuid calóga arbhair. (guh SAH-lee uhn KAHT MAH-ruh duh khwihj KAH-lo-guh AH-ruh-wir).
English: May the Sea Cat soil your cornflakes.

Gaelic: Go n-aora scata Fomhórach ólta do chuid gruaige. (guh NEE-ruh SKAH-tuh FO-wohr-ukh OLE-tuh duh khwihj GROO-ihg-yuh.)
English: May a pack of drunken Fomorians satirize your hair.

I know you're just dying to try it yourself, so I won't delay you further. I did find it interesting, however, that the Gaelic word you click on to process the curse is "mallacht". It reminds me of the Shakespearean word "mallecho", which means "mischief". It seems rather appropriate, that.

I heard Randy Moss's local lawyer on KFAN last night and this morning describing the incident that led to a woman hurting her finger and then asking for $500,000 from Moss or she'd go public. According to the lawyer, Moss was at the woman's house last weekend to watch a playoff game and after the game there was some "consensual horseplay" that led to the injured finger. There was no description of the finger injury.

Let's see...playoff game, minor injury, $500,000. Okay, I'm getting a little nervous.

If a finger is worth $500,000, what might Ben demand after jumping up and hitting his head on my basement ceiling during last week's Packer game?

(Bonus points for anyone - other than my kids - who knows what song that headline came from.)

Saturday the Mall Diva released Ben from her clutches so he and I could do some male bonding while watching the Packers play-off game. We were watching the game in the basement (where the snowy field and green and gold uniforms were beautiful in HD) when Ryan Grant broke off a long run toward the Seahawks' goal-line.

Packer-fan Ben leapt off his couch in such great excitement that he struck his head on the low ceiling, dealing himself a near-stunning blow.

Upstairs the Diva and her mother heard the startling and devastating crack and wondered out loud and with some concern if something catastrophic had happened. They listened intently for what might come next.

"Must not be anything too bad," Mall Diva said. "Dad's laughing his butt off."

1. Don't tug on Superman's cape.

2. Don't spit into the wind.

3. Don't post pictures of yourself participating in illegal activities on Facebook.

The children are upset because Eden Prairie High School is disciplining them for breaking school rules about drinking by suspending several students from athletic teams or extra-curricular activities (presumably not drinking related). "Unfair!" they say as they stalk to their corners (or stage a walk-out).

For educational purposes, let's examine this logic. The students and their parents sign agreements not to drink alcohol while participating in school events (or presumably while eligible to participate), such as sports. The student breaks that pledge and the school finds out through photographic evidence. What part of basic cause and effect did you not learn in class? The school is enforcing its rules, and you should hope that the State of Minnesota doesn't try to enforce it's rules (called "laws", btw) as well since underage drinking is, like, you know, illegal.

And no, my darlings, this isn't a violation of privacy or free speech. First, if you put something in a public place or space, it's not private. Second, while your posting of it is speech, the punishment isn't because you posted, per se, but because the pictures were of you doing something that broke your word, the rules and the law.

This lesson is over. Now, get back to class because I don't think you can afford to miss many more.

I'm kind of in a rambling mood tonight, thinking random thoughts. Such as...

I handed a friend of mine a bottle of water the other day. "Ah, bottled water," he said with a smile. "The biggest scam next to carbon credits!"

"That's got to be a pretty big scam, then," I said, "compared to carbon credits."

"Yeah," he said, "we should go into business selling 'food credits' using the same principle. We'd make a killing."

"Sure," I replied, "especially at this time of the year with the holidays coming on. Here's how we'd pitch it: 'Feeling bad because you know you're going to overeat this Christmas? No problem! We've got thousands of people lined up in the third world who have agreed to fast while you pig out! Buy your food credits now in plenty of time for the holidays! They also make great stocking stuffers!'

"In fact," I said, "we could call the holiday version of food credits 'Stocking Stuffers' and package them in a festive box. Then we could get some guy who has a 2500 square foot walk-in freezer to be our spokesperson. We'd make a fortune and have a shot and picking up a prestigious award!"

We went on to talk about other things, but my thoughts later returned to bottled water, a product I use on nearly a daily basis. Most days I bring a bottle from home to drink with my lunch, mainly because the bottles of pop I used to drink have started to be too sweet-tasting to me. I got in the habit of buying a bottle of Aquafina from the company cafeteria instead of Coke or Pepsi, picking up a packet of lemon juice from the condiment stand on the way out, and mixing that into the bottle. Then one day — file this under Things That Make You Go "Hmmmm" — I noticed that a 20-ounce bottle of Aquafina retails for $1.35 in our cafeteria. While it's cool and clear, there's not a lot of value added there to the basic ingredients. Meanwhile, the bottle of pop right next to it featuring water, syrup, sugar, that satisfying fizz and millions of dollars worth of brand-building advertising, goes for just $1.25.

Since then we've bought more generic waters from Cub or Sam's Club in bulk (about .40/bottle) and I pack one of those (and still snatch the pack of lemon juice).

I know, America is supposed to have the safest drinking water in the world, and buying bottled water is supposed to be bad for the environment, but I'm hooked. For one thing, the water from the taps or drinking fountain where I work has a hideous, metallic taste to it. Secondly, it's so darn convenient. It's easy to pack a bottle or three along on car trips or to outdoor activities. Besides, you never know when drought is going to break out.

I'm not snobbish about it. For example, I never cared for Perrier, and the carbonated or "sparkling" waters don't quench my thirst as well. Funky store brand water is generally fine, though I appreciate the consistent quality of Aquafina and I like to mix things up with an Aquafina Flavorsplash from time to time (grape - yum!) One brand I cannot abide, however, is Dasani, which tastes as if it was harvested from a puddle on an asphalt driveway after an August storm. I don't know what you can do to mess up the taste of water, but Dasani did it. I mean, it's probably not as bad as the water my wife drank while on our honeymoon in Puerto Vallarta, but it tastes like it could be (and I saw what happened to her).

Overall, staying hydrated is a good thing. I remember football practices when I was a kid where the coaches wouldn't let us drink because we had to "toughen up". Things have changed a lot. I also used to be a cola-fiend, probably as a result of my deprived childhood. There were three of us kids, and soda pop was an uncommon treat (even though my Dad's business had vending machines and he could get the pop wholesale). My parents used to make the three of us share a 12 oz. can. I felt so grown-up when I started working and could drop my quarter in the machine and get a whole, blessed can all to myself! Later, the cans changed to 16 oz, and then 20 oz. bottles — bring it on! And then —Sweet Juices on the Half-Shell — 2-liter bottles! Oh, my, those single days when I could keep a 2-liter bottle in the refrigerator, reach in, twist the cap off and drink right out of the bottle before putting it back! Hah!

Sometimes, even now, when we have a 2-liter bottle in the fridge, I reach in, pull it out, twist annnnd ... look wistfully at the bottle before reaching for a glass (that sound you might have just heard was Tiger Lilly throwing up a little in her mouth at the picture that came into her head). For some reason, the Mall Diva never cared for pop, even though she's part of a generation that practically grew up with a Nuk stretched over a bottle of Mountain Dew. Myself, I used to get some real cola-cravings, but even those have diminished as the taste generally seems too hard and bubbly to me now.

Oh well, I've rambled enough, but I think it's only fitting to cement the ear-worm into your head that's probably been running through the back of your mind since you read the headline.