“A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue,
but the parent of all the other virtues.”

- Cicero

My chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...my two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency. My three weapons are fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency....and coming out of the sun with a squirt bottle full of cold water. Make that my four weapons...oh, never mind. The point is Ben and the Diva weren't expecting it, but they should have been!

At first I didn't post on the Brett Favre saga becuase I didn't want to be late the party. Now it appears that this is going to drag on for months yet, and by writing now I can still squeeze a few paragraphs into the first 10% of all the words that will end up being written.

Frankly, the story is barely newsworthy in terms of being shocking; you'd have to be FEMA not to have seen this one coming. Aside from the annual off-season "maybe I'll retire, maybe I won't" strokefest, this latest move is vintage Favre for anyone who's followed #4's on-the-field exploits.

"Triple-coverage? What triple-coverage? I'm Brett Favre - I can put the ball in a Junebug's back pocket!" Whooosh. "Dang!" Similarly, while "miscalculation" might be hard for Brett to say, it isn't a foreign concept to him. "Retirement papers? I didn't file no retirement papers! I'm Brett Favre - they've got to take me back!"

The moves made by both the Packers and Favre have been just as predictable.

Farve: "I maybe, possibly, might want to come back, but you didn't hear it from me."

Packers GM Ted Thompson: "Naah, naah, naah, not listening! I'm on vacation! I'm rearranging my sock drawer! Brett who?"

Favre: "It's all just rumors taken out of context, I don't know how Chris Mortenson could have intercepted my text messages."

Thompson: "Of course we'd welcome Brett back, as long as he'll wear a helmet really made from cheese and confess that he was the one that killed Dan Devine's dog. There might be a problem, though, because we're all sold out of #4 jerseys and I told the staff not to order any more. He might have to wear #78, which also happens to be the number of times we've been down this road with Brett in the past."

Favre: "Help! Help! I'm being repressed! Come see the nonsense inherent in the system! Want to see me cry again?"

The posturing by both sides is just as transparent. The Packers will act as if they'd gladly take Favre back as their back-up quarterback, knowing there's no way in hell Brett will accept that, while Favre will say he'll come back knowing that there's no way in hell Thompson wants the nightmare of Favre in uniform on the bench while a young quarterback takes his lumps. The team could conceivably punish him by trading him to a non-contender, but that is nearly as empty a threat as bringing him back as a bench-warmer. What non-contending team would trade for Favre and his salary, especially knowing that Brett won't want to be there. Even potentially contending teams will be hesitant to give up much, especially if it means Favre having to learn a new offense. You should also keep in mind how much Favre has whined about having enough talent on the team in recent years; even if the Packers can find a trade partner (which they have the technical capability to do), Favre will pout his way out of that situation as well, probably forcing another trade that will make the Packers' moves blow up in their face. In the Packers' favor is that trades take time and that's something that Favre and most teams don't have if he's going to go somewhere new and be ready by the start of the season.

Ultimately the Packers and Favre know he has the leverage and can force his release just by continuing to be the pain-in-the-butt prima donna he already is. Thompson also knows that the Vikings would be a prime landing space for Favre given that the team is merely an established quarterback away from being a serious Super Bowl contender, and that Favre would relish the opportunity to play the Pack twice in the coming year. There's not much Thompson can do to prevent it, except muddy the waters by proactively accusing the Vikings of tampering, especially since Vikings offensive coordinator Darrell Bevell was Favre's former quarterback coach. I don't know what hard evidence Thompson could have to support his claim unless he's got the power to subpeona phone records. Perhaps it was this transcript from a tape that was mysteriously found in the pocket of Bill Belichek's hoodie:

DB: Hey, Brett, it's your ol' buddy, Darrell.

BF: Who?

DB: Darrell Bevell, your old quarterbacks coach.

BF: I had a quarterbacks coach? Who knew? I think I knew a guy named Darrell who caddied for me for awhile.

DB: Ha-ha, always the kidder. I'm just calling you up like good buddies do, to talk about huntin' and fishin' and such.

BF: Do tell.

DB: Of course! I wouldn't dream of having you tampered with, unless of course it was by Jared Allen; man, can that boy hunt! You know, we should get together. I think you'd like our West Coast off-, I mean, you ought to check out the west coast of Lake Minnetonka. Good fishing out there. Super, in fact.

BF: Hey, thanks, Darnell...

DB: It's Darrell.

BF: Oh, yeah, Darrell. The thing is, I don't know if I'm going to have any time. Michael Strahan has also retired, and him and me got a contract offer from FOX to go around the country re-enactin' the time I fell down so Michael could set the single-season sack record.

DB: I remember you like bowling. We've got a good group of, um, bowlers over here. You know Kevin and Pat, and we got that kid we call, "All Day." Next time we get together I'd be happy to give you a ring. Uh, hello?

BF: Sorry, Merrill, I accidentally dropped my phone. I had this itch I was trying to scratch.

Tune into ESPN tomorrow (and the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that) for the latest developments.

We now have more evidence of what Tiger Lilly has been saying all along: cows are terrorists! Here's a photo of a would-be bovine suicide bomber about to go on a mission:



Actually, going on an emission might be more accurate. The photo is from a story about a group of Argentinian scientists that are trying to measure the amount of methane emissions from cows and the impact that may have on global warming:

In a bid to understand the impact of the wind produced by cows on global warming, scientists collected gas from their stomachs in plastic tanks attached to their backs.

The Argentine researchers discovered methane from cows accounts for more than 30 per cent of the country's total greenhouse emissions.

As one of the world's biggest beef producers, Argentina has more than 55 million cows grazing in its famed Pampas grasslands.

Guillermo Berra, a researcher at the National Institute of Agricultural Technology, said every cow produces between 8000 to 1,000 litres of emissions every day.

Methane, which is also released from landfills, coal mines and leaking gas pipes, is 23 times more effective at trapping heat in the atmosphere than carbon dioxide.

Scientists are now carrying out trials of new diets designed to improve cows's digestion and hopefully reduce global warming. Silvia Valtorta, of the National Council of Scientific and Technical Investigations, said that by feeding cows clover and alfalfa instead of grain "you can reduce methane emissions by 25 percent".

So the cows are out to get us, using biological weapons no less. This plan has a fatal flaw, however.

When the weather gets warm, I like to grill.

HT: The Llama Butchers

Sometimes you'll do something that, even as you are doing it, you just know isn't a good idea. But you do it anyway.

Case in point: I came in the house unexpectedly today and my wife was in the downstairs bathroom, and there was this strong smell coming from in there. Now, right away, you're saying, "Uh, don't go there," but what you need to know is that she was wearing rubber gloves at the time. You also need to know that there are only two things she does in the bathroom that involve rubber gloves.

One is cleaning the bathroom, which usually involves strong and odorifous chemicals but this wasn't bathroom cleaning day.

The second thing is to, um, refresh her hair color.

I walked closer and said, "Mmmm, smells colorful." She looked a little disappointed that perhaps a tiny bit of The Mystery had departed. She did suggest, however, that if I could only learn to apply this elixir of youth it would be a big help in refreshing the tresses on the back of her head.

I recalled the long and expensive training and certification process the Mall Diva went through in order to be licensed to do that very thing, and said, "I don't think that's legal."

"Oh, it's no big deal," she said, "you can have Faith (the Diva) show you how."

"Sure," I said, "it's no big deal for you, but what about for me?" as I remembered an old story by Arlo Guthrie. "I mean, I really don't want to be sitting in jail and having some big guy say, 'What are you in for?' and me having to say ...

'Hairdressing.'"

Okay, that didn't get me into too much trouble. Blogging about it on the other hand....