“Prosperity is not without many fears and distastes;
and adversity is not without comforts and hopes.”

- Francis Bacon

Thanks to Hugh Hewitt, you may have already heard about the article in today's Boston Globe where an intrepid reporter was sent into the wilds of an evangelical enclave in Ohio to explore the mysteries of a family that tries to live out its faith.

The article is actually pretty good and it doesn't appear the reporter set out to try and make the family look foolish. Globe readers may find some of the revelations shocking but the family sounded pretty normal to me. Then again, I don't live in Massachusetts.

Still, I do kind of wonder why the Globe sought out this story. It really had the feel of a National Geographic exploration of a foreign culture. I half-expected some Jane Goodall type of narration along the lines of "I carefully approached the alpha male, my head bowed in biblical submission..." or Marlin Perkins saying "I waited in the boat while Jim wrestled with the family over the Theory of Evolution."

And now I'm picturing some Bostonian putting down his newspaper and saying, "Good heavens, Muffy, these primitives care more about what the Bible says than what Jacques Chirac thinks of us."

Actually, the Globe wasn't that original in this approach. I remember the Night Writer had this post earlier about an interview the Strib did with an author by the name of James Ault, Jr. who spent three years observing an evangelical community and made it back alive.

If this keeps up, people are going to start thinking Christians are nice people.

Lanny Davis, Ralph Nader, Tom Harkin, Nat Hentoff, Mark Dayton and Jesse Jackson.

See ya at the prayer meetin', guys.

The Night Writer is busy working on something...I think he's filling out his "Quality of Living" Will, so I'm going to take this opportunity to look around and see what else is making news in the world.

Oh, here's a headline on CNN: "As Killer Gunman Approached, Teacher Prayed." What? Guns and prayer in schools? I bet somebody's going to get sued.

BEMIDJI, Minnesota (AP) — English teacher Neva Rogers finally had found a place where she felt needed, where she could give opportunities to poverty-stricken children who struggled with teen pregnancies, drugs and alcohol.

That place was Red Lake High School, where she died in a school shooting last week. While students crouched under their desks in a corner, Rogers stood out in the open and began to pray.

"God be with us. God help us," 15-year-old Ashley Lajeunesse heard Rogers say after she told students to hide as gunman Jeff Weise fired through a window and marched into the room.

Hmmm, just a thought, but I wonder what might have happened if there had been more guns and more prayer in the school that day? I'm not saying, but I'm just saying, you know? I'm sure the Supreme Court knows Rights from what's right and wouldn't needlessly put defenseless people at risk of death.

I see Time magazine has an article about the Red Lake shootings as well: "The Devil in Red Lake."

The teacher spoke up. "God be with us," said Rogers. Provoked, the gunman shot her. He then aimed at another student, Chon'gai'la Morris, and asked, "Do you believe in God?"

"No," came the answer. The gunman turned away and found other targets, shooting and killing Dewayne Lewis, Thurlene Stillday, Chanelle Rosebear and Alicia White as they huddled on the floor. He left the room and exchanged fire with police officers, who were advancing down the hallway. Retreating into Rogers' classroom, he yelled, "I have hostages!" Then he turned a gun on himself and pulled the trigger. Silent throughout the ordeal, the surviving students began to scream.

A little bit later on, the article cites some of the killer's writings...

He also wrote of strange tingly feelings that woke him out of a sound sleep and dark visions of small creatures sitting by his bed that he would reach out to touch before falling unconscious. But whatever demon finally compelled Weise to act also made him plan his assault.

The Devil? Demons? Is Time saying they exist? Is the creeping theocracy taking over the media? I mean, they couldn't print it if it wasn't true, could they? Naah, let's move on.

Now this looks grim. CNN has picked up this story from Reuters:

JOHANNESBURG, South Africa (Reuters) — Animal rights groups have begun fresh public campaigns timed for the start of the annual seal hunt off the coast of Canada this week and suggestions that South Africa may kill elephants for population control...

Canada said last week it would allow hunters to kill 320,000 young seals on the ice floes off its Atlantic coast from Tuesday and earlier this month a South African official told Reuters that national parks were leaning towards an elephant cull.

Anti-hunt activists held protests earlier this month in 50 cities around the world. Groups like the Humane Society International (HSI) said they would press ahead with calls for a boycott of Canadian seafood.

"We are joining in a specific boycott of Canadian seafood products, focusing on snow crabs, and starting on Tuesday, the day the first seal is killed," HSI vice-president John Grandy told Reuters by phone from the eastern Canadian province of Prince Edward Island.

Big beasts strike a chord with the public, making them the perfect "poster animals" for conservationists who have branded Canada and South Africa as outposts of wildlife tyranny.

"The things that seem to attract the layman the most is the big animals. I think people... connect to them," said Chris Hails, the Global programs director for WWF International...

Meanwhile, in South Africa...

...national park authorities say the burgeoning elephant population in the flag-ship Kruger National Park has made culling a necessity. The park has an estimated 12,000 ponderous pachyderms, well above the estimated "carrying capacity" of around 7,000.

Animal rights activists are horrified at the prospect of a return to culling elephants, which involves the herding and shooting of entire family groups.

Meanwhile...in Florida...

I saw the Steve Levy column in Newsweek about the White Male Domination (WMD) of blogging - apparently at the expense of women - and couldn't wait to post about this capital offense under a headline such as White Man Blogging. However, my fellow Brotherhood of Man member Jeff Jarvis beat me to it. Not only that, but he said it better than I could. He also said too much.

See, Jeff is very smart, but if he were truly astute he'd know that the only appropriate thing he could say to appease a certain element, other than "Please pass the hemlock," is "I'm sorry." Furthermore, the more often you say it, and the more abject you are, the better.

So here, on behalf of Jeff and all the other selfish white guys hogging the ether, allow me to say:

I'm sorry I'm a white guy.

I'm sorry we get all the good ideas and strong opinions.

I'm sorry we've created secret handshakes and other signals that allow us cheap access to blog hosting services while making everyone else pay through the nose.

I'm sorry we've erected barriers even higher than the MSM to keep out the unwashed, untrained and undesireable.

I'm sorry if you've never heard of Michelle Malkin , LaShawn Barber or The Patriette.

I'm sorry that every state doesn't have a MAWB Squad chapter - yet.

I'm sorry that I'm not more in touch with my feminine side when blogging. (Really, I'd like to be and certainly would be if it wasn't for the restraining order. But I notice the Night Writer likes to wear skirts, based on what's in the "About" section of this blog.)

I'm just so sorry.

Update:

Minfidel, it's a kilt, not a skirt.
- NW

The NFL has released the following transcript of the phone call from an unknown tipster accusing Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Tice of scalping Super Bowl tickets:

NFL: Hello, NFL Security Office, how may I help you?

Caller: Howdy! I mean, hi. Say, y'all know that head coach you've got up there in Minnesota?

NFL: Mike Tice, sir?

Caller: Yeah, that's him. Well I can guaran-damn-tee you that old boy's playing with the odometer, if you know what I mean, with his team's Super Bowl tickets.

NFL: What do you mean, sir?

Caller: I mean he's scalping those tickets and puttin' the money in his saddlebags, that's what I mean!

NFL: Why would a head coach want to do something like that, sir?

Caller: Because he's paid diddly-sq... I mean, how should I know? He's the criminal mastermind, not me. Say, you don't suppose that something like this could be grounds for terminatin' his contract, do you? You know, without having to pay fer it I mean?

NFL: We'll look into it, sir. Could you give me your name so we can get back in touch with you?

Caller: It's Re... I mean, you can call me "Deep Threat."

NFL: Hmmm, didn't you already trade that guy?

Caller: Oh, right. Well then, call me Tex. No, no, that's not it...shootfire! Charlene, what's that word when you don't want anyone to know who you are? Animal what? Oh, right, right. I'm Anonymous.

Call ends.

The summer movie season will be upon us before we know it, and there are a number of promising - if somewhat familiar - films waiting in the wings. The one area where Hollywood can be considered conservative is in producing remakes of proven winners, and this summer will be no different. Here's a sneak peak of the updated classics heading our way:

Dances With Moonbats: After a Civil War, a white "soldier" takes an assignment in the American West where he is quickly forgotten. Befriended by Indians who think he is funny, the man decides he really is an Indian. His idyllic life with little accountability is shattered, however, when he writes a letter claiming the soldiers killed at Little Big Horn were "little Napoleons" who had it coming. Starring Ward Churchill.

Network: the updated version of this movie reflects the growing consolidation of the Big Media and its struggle against the inroads of the new media. The surefire catchphrase that will become the movie's trademark comes when two of the main characters in the Network loudly proclaim: "We've lied like Hell and we can't fake it anymore!" before resigning their positions. Stars Dan Rather and Eason Jordan.

Animal House: A rogue fraternity of conservative college students face prejudice, persecution and double-secret probation from the school's administration and other students while enjoying high-spirited antics such as "Oil for Food-Fights" in the cafeteria, putting a dead horse named Nixon in the Dean's office and hosting a wild burqa party that gets out of hand. Stars Hugh "Who's With Me?" Hewitt in the John Belushi role.

Gone With the Wind: Despite the name, this is a drama set in the future when enraged senior citizens march on Washington, D.C. and burn it to the ground when they discover that the money supposedly set aside for their Social Security benefits blew away years before. One of the most stirring scenes is supposedly when the citizenry topples the statue of Teddy Kennedy that is carved with his famous statement, "Frankly, my dear, I don't have a plan."

Judge Dread: An ideal summer action/comedy that borrows from several other movies. Hilarity ensues as the Democratic minority scrambles to avoid an up or down vote on the president's judicial nominees, known as the Men and Women in Black. The Chair of the DNC is hoping that the moviegoing public will be distracted from seeing this film by the latest release in the "Scary Movie" franchise.

There you have it, the summer blockbusters of 2005 (though "Hugh Hewitt: The Movie" may be surprise dark horse). If you go to any of these, however, please remember that no true fiscal conservative would ever pay $7 for a tub of popcorn.

I admit that pointing out the liberal bias of the Minneapolis StarTribune and its columnists isn't exactly the scoop of the year. One could even say this news is of the "dog bites man" variety, except the paper's newest columnist would take the position that the man had it coming and the dog is a higher being that should consider running for public office.

The Strib has started featuring a weekly syndicated column in the Sunday Variety section by Dr. Michael W. Fox called "Ask the Doctor." (I've noticed the column because it's usually on the way to the Lileks jump page.) It's a pretty standard looking advice column where each week letter-writers ask questions about pet care. Dr. Fox's answers start off with a pet-centered response that then often veers off into global commentary. This last Sunday, for example, someone asked whether it's a good idea to turn a pet into a vegetarian. The answer quickly swerved (to the left) to decry the environmental abuses and animal degradation brought about because humans tend to prefer a juicy steak or nice ham sandwich to a bowl of tofu.

Really, it's almost as funny as Lileks and I wish I could cite more examples but the Strib doesn't archive these columns. From what I've read in the past few weeks, however, I think some future columns could sound like this:

My dog, Brutus, has flunked out of obedience school three times now. What can I do? First, congratulations on being an involved guardian for your pet. Due to your commitment I'm sure the fault lies with our chronically underfunded obedience schools. Really, how can we expect our dogs to learn how to sit, stay and use a condom when we only commit 60% of our budget to education? We simply have to raise taxes.

My German Shepherd is constantly licking his paw to the point it's almost raw. What is going on? What you describe is a classic stress reaction. And who wouldn't be stressed given that we've got four more years of George Bush? Iraq's a quagmire, we aren't any safer, and I've heard that Bush wants to reinstitute drafting German Shepherds into the military police. I suggest giving your pet some herbal tea, trying aromatherapy, and contributing to Moveon.org.

I think my guinea pig is gay. Is there anything I can do? Why do you think you should "do" anything? Animals have been around longer than humans and have evolved to a higher level that doesn't worry about who you share your pigloo with. It's only your own ignorance that makes homosexuality appear anti-evolutionary, and you shouldn't be so judgmental. Unless your guinea pig also has a White House press pass, of course.

While I couldn't find other "Ask the Doctor" columns in the Strib online archive, I did find the original article introducing Dr. Fox to readers, which included the following:

"Animals are more finished than we are," Fox wrote in his book "The Boundless Circle," which is critical of our human-centered world view. "We are the unfinished animal. We are the newest mammal on the planet, and we have an awful lot of growing to do."

Umm, so let's see - we're the youngest and, by inference, the dumbest animals on the planet - yet its fate is in our hands? Cool. But wait, let's get a second opinion and ask one of the smartest mammals, and the King of Sea, what he thinks. Hey, Flipper - do you think Dr. Fox has it right?

"Eh-eh! Eh-eh! Eh-eh, eh-eh!"

Good boy! Here's a fish! All of this does, however, give me an idea. See, my pet moonbat has stopped barking lately, and I want to write to the Dr. and see if I should have Mikey put down.