“Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.”

- Damon Runyon

Be on the lookout for signs of a rebellion.

No, it's not the terrorists (not the ones you'd expect, anyway) ...

No, it's not teenagers...

It's the COWS!!!!

Yes, you read that right. I've made two long car trips in the last few weeks, through the heart of America's farmlands, and I tell you there's something suspicious about all the cows. They are plotting to take over the world. Sure, they LOOK all innocent when you're driving through the country. But before they hear your car coming, they're talking in conspiratorial whispers, scheming up ways for world domination!

First, they lull us into a false sense of security. Then, they prey on our other sources of food (did you read about that cow who kept eating chickens?)

Third, they send out their NINJA COWS!!! These cows have training specially for stealth. And they're always the black ones. Never put a black cow at your back. You think everything's just fine, and then BAM! You're on the ground.

Ever notice how cows are usually grouped together, with a few loners? Well, the groups are the conspirators, and the loners are the look-outs. As soon as they hear a car driving by, or someone walking up, they give their secret code and tell everyone to 'look beefy.' That's why all you ever see cows do is eat grass.

Beware the groups of twos and threes. They plot while looking natural. While we were driving home from Missouri, we saw a cow line-up. Seriously. The cows were all in a line on a distant hill. Probably doing a drill or something.

Ways to keep your house cow proof:

• Set up a large fence with sentry posts. With any luck, if the cows come a-callin', you'll get a meal out of the invasion. Mmm... steak.



• Set up rows of chickens armed with eggs. I'm sure they'll want to get back at the cows for eating them.



• Don't allow groupings of more than two cows in your yard at a time. That should slow them down.



• Pay spy cows to go into the field and listen in on the cow plans. You might also want to get a moo interpreter.

My dad thinks the government sent deer in to spy on the cows (you can't trust the cows to do it), but the cows caught on. That's why we saw so many dead deer on the road last week. Almost all of them were near a field of cows. Black cows. Makes you think.

But here I've warned you. You may think I'm crazy, to which I say:

Well, DUH!

But don't come cryin' to me when your home is invaded by these four legged tasty conspirators. That's your problem.

The sheep and hawks are in on it, too.

Ciao (no, literally, chow) for now!